Wednesday, February 16, 2005

Mirror Mirror on the Wall....

"So how often does the average woman peer at the mirror wondering about what she notices there and what can be improved upon...?"....I wondered as I walked over to my mirror for the 12th time that day...and what did I carry back with me? Doubt, confirmation, relief??? Was I worried about the big pores or the length of my bangs? I noticed them yes, but I did not care. Why I don't care spins off a whole new reel of thought....it's not like I'm one of those oh-so-married-women who don't care how they look any more (as if their entire existence was just one-big-preening session in order to rope-in the best guy the market had to offer) neither was I a woman who took her hubby for granted (you know the kind, all that primping for the other women in the party and lounging in pajamas with curlers in their hair for their own men!!)....I was reasonably interested in my appearance most of the time...(reasonable is a very relative term I am happy to note)...I fancied I portrayed the "healthy beauty" of today ...i.e., no emancipated malnourished frame (hate those bodies...well actually some of them do look good but then those celery-water-cigarettes-diets are SO not for me) but no tires under-thy-belt to talk of either...(OK maybe 1 or two...hey what's the point of an anonymous blogspot if I can't lie at least about that!!!) ...so then why am I not doing anything about the big pores....?

There was a time when I must admit my appearance dominated much of my daily thought process..."Is my skirt the fashionable length of the current moment?β€β€¦β€œIs my hair shiny enough?"..."Does my skin look dull in these unkind fluorescent office lights?"..."What do I wear for the weekly clubbing session?” ....Sadly I was forced to process the hundred million other things that go on in a day in the not-so-active remainder part of my brain....the half that was not coding and decoding the fashion do's and don'ts...it can get pretty stressful you know. You might say I have not performed badly during the span of my 20-something years considering that was only half my brain working. But come on, if things are going well enough as they are why this change now...I worry that I don't worry enough...now three-fourths of my brain is moaning this loss of obsessive ness, pondering this change for the better (?...well people assure me looks are not everything) and even lesser of my otherwise healthy brain is being put to good use.


So I sit down to analyze...is this some sort of a confidence? Am I assured that my life as it is - career, family and what-not are sort of OK so it needn't show in every garment-hairdo-handbag that I and the above mentioned categories are OK? The notion is appealing but not convincing....I have a laundry list of stuff-I-still-so-want-from-life like any other human being walking this planet and the chances of my change in attitude being possibly caused because of contentment did not seem likely at all...so I move on....Is this the famous laziness that people talk of when they talk about the "settled" feeling? Am I just getting plain lazy? Is poking at my pimples, picking out a new dress on a 3 hour shopping trip just sounding like too much work? Sounded more of a suspect. So I jot that down in my plausible-reason list and dig some more. Is it likely that I am after all not that selfish a person and have started developing an interest in others that dominates that I have on myself? I don't know if that's true...but I do seem more of a people person now that I have ever been in my entire life...I do feel drawn to discussing stuff happening in peoples lives...I sometimes feel like taking care of them...Is my newly-discovered lack-of-obsessive ness actually a way to make space for some other instinct?.. Am I seeing a peek of my long-awaited-maternal feelings that so many of my girlfriends have felt since 13?..I have spent years worrying why my heart doesn't do the popular flip-flop when I see babies or when I think of having children...Maybe just maybe things are changing a bit...I don't know for sure but I know I see a trace of a something here and maybe it's best to go with that...Maybe I am ready...

3 Comments:

Blogger FunnyCide said...

Oh Geez!! No!! That cant happen!! Not yet!!

There is a sale at Marshall Fields this weekend.. on perfumes, make-up and such.. see, your heart does flutter, doesnt it? Phew!! Thank God, I havent lost her yet.. :))

9:31 AM  
Blogger GratisGab said...

No worries funnyC...I did write this after the 12th trip to the mirror remember?...:-)...followed by several more...

Still on ab-attack as opposed to ab-flab :-)....

how was the game...write something!!!!

12:52 PM  
Blogger FunnyCide said...

i think i can slowly see your style emerge.. :) i am enjoying your posts..
i am sure you have already written quite a few.. post them pronto!!

-funnyc

7:56 PM  

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