Rantings on a Kind

John G. Wendel and his sisters were some of the most miserly people of all time. Although they had received a huge inheritance from their parents, they spent very little of it and did all they could to keep their wealth for themselves. John was able to influence five of his six sisters never to marry, and they lived in the same house in New York City for 50 years. When the last sister died in 1931, her estate was valued at more than $100 million. Her only dress was one that she had made herself, and she had worn it for 25 years."

When you type "The most miserly people" in Google, this is what comes up. What drove me to this point you will wonder. Was I expecting a list to show up as the answer?..Maybe I was. I am not into hoarding this kind of information. And I wouldn't want to stereotype. I really don't care to do that sort of a thing till I have a valid statistical sample size. And even after years of running into some perfectly well-off people penny-pinching in the most weird and imaginative ways, I refused to categorize them or criticize them. But then everything has its limits.

I thought I had seen the worst when I bumped into this girl in Grad school who pinched packets of ketchup from the school food court, till I ran into this other specimen who just downed packets of half-and-half while the rest of us stuffed our faces with eggs and waffles and pancakes during breakfast. She NEVER ordered anything. I swear she lived on half-and-half for breakfast for at least 2 months...till I thankfully found better people to hang out with. I figured maybe it was just Grad school and the general lack of money that seems to accompany that stage of life. Till I started work and found out that this particular disease spares no section of the population. When it strikes, it really strikes. My neighbor would tear his kitchen-towel squares into quarters, to limit usage. It really worked because the pieces were so small nobody found them useful any more. And it's not as easy to reach for a stack of neatly squared 4-by-4's as it is to reach for the usual Bounty-roll that your eyes frantically seek after a spill. This guy was beat hollow by a friend's friend who actually (I discovered this by accident) reused his garbage bags. Yes, he actually walked over to the huge disposal shoot, emptied his bag and then took it back!!!!

So my sample size was increasing...

We have these friends we do dinner with all the time...the husband is always in Johnston&Murphy shoes and a Burberry shirt, unless it's a fancy place we are meeting up at, in which case he really dresses up. The wife loves Wal-Mart clothes, but only once in a while, as a treat. Needless to say they maintain separate accounts. Picking a place for dinner might be difficult under normal circumstances, but as was recently revealed, it's really easy. The husband gets to choose as he pays (the separation of thy accounts is not altogether fair you see)...and if there's an argument it's quickly settled as the wife uses the surefire comeback "Then I'm not coming!!!” ... The husband eager to have a social life of some sorts has learned not to go there. The amazing thing is misers are not just hoarders of their own money; it breaks their heart when others spend theirs too. But anyways, I'm steering off the chosen bitching-path, let me focus. Here's a snippet of a conversation:

J's husband: "....And then I'll like some Venerable Very Rare Sherry with my dessert please...”
No really, that's the name of the sherry.
Lots of nudging from J.
J: "I'm not hungry."
J's husband: "Order something J...”
He's always taking good care of her. She's always rolling her eyes.
J: "NO. There was free food at the seminar I was attending. I ate there."
Angry voice.
Me: (Changing topic deftly) So what's the plan for the weekend guys? What are ya'll doing tomorrow?
J: "My husband better not drink. He has to wake up at 7 AM to do laundry"

See now my husband and I have fooled ourselves into believing we can afford to get our laundry done at the local laundromat..(Sweet Chinese woman washes, dries, folds and what-not) as we are after all in the DINK stage. Every Sunday though, my man makes very sorry noises while sitting in front of that Microsoft Money sheet and insists we CANNOT afford all this...but nevertheless the system has been adopted and it seems like it's here to stay as believe me it's a DIFFICULT one to throw off.

My husband (I introduce him to you here, finally): "You should really try sending the laundry out...it frees up all your Saturday.."
He proceeds to gush about the Chinese woman's virtues and how everything smells so great.
J: "She charges WHATTT??? No way! My husband will do it. Never mind."
I try again.
Me: "Nice hair style J, did you go to Dellaria's?"
J: "Please, I got it done in India. As if we can afford to get our hair cut in this country"

They are good friends and will remain so. But I cannot, will not, should not be meeting her if I can help it. My sanity is important to me.

In conclusion I can only take solace in the fact that there are a million shlokas in the Gita about the fate of misers, the Bible condones it and Kabir Das himself poked a lot of fun at them....and the Quran, well the Quran says that a miser will be made to wear a pair of shoes prepared from the fire of Jahannam, which will make his brain boil like a pot on the fire. I would not go so far as to wish this on any of my sample cases, but I'm afraid their spouses just might. So be careful misers.