Thursday, September 15, 2005

Feeling Good About Being Bad

I’m usually not a smartass about stuff. The only time I feel like being one is when telemarketers harass my very existence. I have a couple of my replies here, please feel free to use and abuse…and add to my list!

TM: Is Mr.Gabby at home?
Me: No
TM: Is this Mrs.Gabby I’m talking to?
Me: No. I’m the mistress. Mrs.Gabby is out of town on work and I’m the filler.

There’s never been an answer to that one.

TM: Are you the decision-maker of the house?
Me: No, I..I’ll never be. It’s a problem. But my therapist says we first need to work on my manic suicidal tendencies....but talking about it helps....

They hang up pretty fast after that.

TM: Hi! I’m so-and-so and I’m calling from Dish Network. How are you today?
Me: Not so good. I have no friends. Will you be my friend?

That usually yields the fastest results.

34 Comments:

Blogger Sudipta Chatterjee said...

Me first!!!

Whoo-ha-ha-ha!! Too good! I had a mail forward with me with even better ones (trust me). I'll send it to your email, just in case ;)

9:30 PM  
Blogger @nu$h@ said...

Y did u have to give those away....Now the Contact center training faculty would sit and work on the most polite rebuttals for all of these....

Cheers,
@^U$#@

9:57 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Gabby's evil side! I love the mistress one *grin*

10:10 PM  
Blogger Prerona said...

Nice :)

11:20 PM  
Blogger Parna said...

of course the mistress one wins hands down. will give them a shot next time the TMs call. great ones.

11:43 PM  
Blogger phatichar said...

tele-executive: Is this Ms. Gabby?
Gabby: No, I died last year. What may I help you with?

12:56 AM  
Anonymous burf said...

my questions to mrs. gabby's replies (tnk u all TMs)

1. Mistress(grin)... filler(bigger grin) ... (supressing grin)whats ur mobile number? (another big grin).

2. gud that you don't have to decide... dear, just write a cheque in the name of ABC Inc. :D

3. gud that now we are friends, help your brand new friend by writng a cheque in the name of ABC Inc. :D

i hope these yield even faster "results" for the TMs :D:D:D

gabby rocks :))

:D

1:25 AM  
Blogger Swathi said...

bechare TM ppl - itz only after I've slammed the phone do I remember that they r human
I remember an incident when the VP of our company was having an Introspection meeting and suddenly the phone rings(wonder how they got hold of the conference room number~!) and he puts it on speaker and we hear 'This is from HDFC bank... blah..blah...' and almost the entire room was filled with laughter for the next 5 mins

2:06 AM  
Blogger Twilight Fairy said...

It sure is a pain.. you can take help from enormous number of forwards circulating on the net for this one! :p

3:58 AM  
Blogger Saltwater Blues said...

lol ... too good Gaby girl!

5:13 AM  
Blogger shub said...

haha:))

5:15 AM  
Blogger phatichar said...

Hey, I hope you didn't get offended, gabby...it was in jest. (Sorry 'bout that)

5:43 AM  
Anonymous Ashok said...

LOL! "Will you be my friend?"! I can imagine a TM going "psycho" under his breath :-)

6:30 AM  
Anonymous Zoheb said...

My telemarketeer experiences were quite nice :-)

One ended with she asking me - "Do you know English".
The other one was even better - "Is your mom at home?"

9:34 AM  
Anonymous Ash said...

LOL ! Good ones :D

9:34 AM  
Blogger Pallavi said...

hahahah AWE SUMMMMM I am sure it will help Parna a lot...

10:59 AM  
Blogger manan said...

"Oh thank God you called! This is the suicide helpline, right? I am feeling so alone!"

11:12 AM  
Blogger Peg said...

Oh Golly, Gabby...when I was in school and working part time, one of my jobs was telemarketing. I sold Cinderella Potraits...Well, in those days too telemarketing wasn't taken in the same light it is now so you had a decent chance at making some money if you did it correctly...but anyway I worked along side of my two sisters and some of their friends. Let's just say when the boss left we sold things that only a true comedian would love or buy!! WE had great times and yes, we did make money.
I am usually very gracious to the telemarketers although one time I did tell one that they need to get their boss and change their script becasue there was no way he was going to sell anything using those lines...him and I laughed then and he told me he was going to mark me down for a good call!!
Oh, how lucky I am!! ;-0}

3:33 PM  
Blogger AmitL said...

LOL...Gabby,a simple answer to such anon callers,in one word,say : "So?"....in a deep annoyed tone.:)

9:14 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

LOL gabby! :D the closest I have gotten to being a smart ass with TMs is enquiring about the weather in Gurgaon :P

Ashwin
www.infinitelimits.blogspot.com

9:47 PM  
Blogger WA said...

Hahahahah funny Gabby, brilliantly funny :)

3:38 AM  
Blogger anumita said...

Too good!!! Will use if I have the guts to!

6:27 AM  
Blogger Rash said...

very smart ;) and very funny :)

12:08 PM  
Blogger anantha said...

*has been stuck speechless by Gabby ingenuity and has not been able to offer his opinion for at least a day now*

3:48 PM  
Blogger Weary Hag said...

Oh do I love these! They are all great but especially the "will you be my friend" one. hahaha

These remind me of a very famous Seinfeld episode where Jerry gets a telemarketer call and says "hey, I'm walking out the door, give me your home number and I'll call you later .... (pause) What's that? You don't like to be called at home? WELL NEITHER DO I!"

That line will always crack me up.

6:01 AM  
Anonymous Nish said...

Hehe..Im gonna try that nex time.

8:47 PM  
Blogger manuscrypts said...

you funny woman!!...lol :)

1:13 AM  
Blogger Priyavadan said...

all I can say is right now I feel bad about being good.

5:21 AM  
Blogger Sudipta Chatterjee said...

Breaking my reticence just this one time... here are some suggestions for you, Gabby:

Ten best answering machine messages...
10 . My wife and I can't come to the phone right now, but if you'll leave your name and number, we'll get back to you as soon as we're finished.

9. Hello, you are talking to a machine. I am capable of receiving messages. My owners do not need siding, windows or a tub,and their carpets are clean. They
give to charity at the office and don't need their picture taken. If you're still with me, leave your name and home phone number and they will get back to
you.

8. This is not an answering machine - this is a telepathic thought-recording device. After the tone, think about your name, your number, and your reason
for calling.... and I'll think about returning your call.

7. Hi! John's answering machine is broken. This is his refrigerator. Please speak very slowly, and I'll stick your message to myself with one of these magnets.

6. Hi. This is John: If you are the phone company, I already sent the money. If you are my parents, please
send money. If you are my bank, you didn't lend me enough money. If you are my friends, you owe me money. If you are a female, don't worry, I have LOTS of money.

5. A is for academics, B is for beer. One of those reasons is why we're not here. So, leave a message.

4. Hello! If you leave a message, I'll call you soon. If you leave a"sexy" message, I'll call sooner.

3. Hi. Now YOU say something.

2. Hi. I'm probably home, I'm just avoiding someone I don't like. Leave me a message, and if I don't call back, it's you.

And the Number 1 Actual Answering Machine Message Recorded and Verified by The World Famous International Institute of Answering Machine Messages.

1. Hello, you've reached Jim and Sonya. We can't pick up the phone right now, because we're doing something we really enjoy. Sonya likes doing it up and down, and I like doing it left to right... real slowly. So leave a message, and when we're done brushing our teeth, we'll call you back.

5:38 AM  
Blogger visithra said...

Hehehhe good ones - my mom just says in broken local lingo - the house owners not home - when sales reps come visiting ;p

1:19 AM  
Blogger Rhyncus said...

Not had too many telemarketers bother me, though one does regularly get accosted outside ATMs by kids trying to peddle credit cards and demat accounts. I usually pat them on the shoulder sympathetically. It breaks their composure and they realise how nice it would be to be me. They move on. I do likewise.

1:58 PM  
Blogger anantha said...

*Realises Gabby has, quite uncharacteristically, been absent from the comments section of this post and decides to do a start a "knock knock" joke thread on the comments section to kill time.

KNOCK KNOCK.....

10:29 PM  
Anonymous maddie said...

LOL! The last one was the best. Will try it the next time.

9:09 PM  
Blogger anantha said...

Where art thou?

10:14 PM  

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